"THE BOOK OF ALLANISMS"

INTRODUCTION

For the uninitiated who haven't met me or don't know me personally, let's start by saying I have somewhat of a reputation in the dog world, and for that matter life in general, for being opinionated, acerbic (though some would say witty), cutting, harsh, bold, brash, unrepentant, and a few other expletives that I won't repeat as I can not control that age of those who will surf through this webpage.

My response to this completely EARNED reputation is YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES and YES.  I am all of those things and MORE.  In a nutshell, what I am is BRUTALLY HONEST with people about everything.  Their dogs, their life, their loves whatever.  If you don't want my real honest opinion, don't ask for it.  It's really that simple.  I am NOT about generating "Love & Fuzzy Feelings" or making people feel good about themselves for the sake of feeling good about themselves.  If that's what somebody needs in their life, then they can try to have their spouse and/or significant other fill that role.  If the spouse or significant other can't or won't fill that role for them, then they have FAR greater problems than what I care to delve into. 

The sad reality is that "MOST PEOPLE" can't handle this type of realism for the simple fact that is TOO REAL.  If all you truly want in dogs is for someone to look at your dog or dogs and say "Nice Dog(s)", don't ask me to look at them.  I will tell you EXACTLY what I see and how I see it.  That doesn't mean I'm right.  That's just MY OPINION.  It's just like entering a dog show.  It's asking for and actually getting someone else's opinion.  For that matter, if that is all that you want when you ask someone for an opinion, don't bother entering dog shows at all.  Just tie a rope around a few poles in your back yard, invite some friends over, run around a few times and then you can spend the day over a case of beer having your friends tell how wonderful your dogs are.  Save your entry fees up for the new pool, or vacation at Disney World, trip to the Cayman Islands cause you aren't a dog person.  You are COMPLIMENT SEEKER looking for a quick pat on the back SO YOU CAN FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF.  That is not about to happen with me involved.  Guaranteed.

For a few years now, a number of (dare I say it) "friends" have encouraged me to compile a list of my rants, retorts, witticisms and postulations for both the sheer shock value as well as comedic effect.  This webpage is the beginning of that compilation.  It will be a continuing work in progress.  Some of these "Allanisms" are entirely original by the writer.  Some are "borrowed" from published sources.  Others are original from colleagues and friends.  Wherever and whenever possible I will give credit to a source - but ONLY if I remember where it originated.  This is not a college dissertation or some PHD Thesis that is researched and documented with footnotes.  It's a bunch of snapshots from my life & times.  Reading them is intended to give you a chuckle or two, but to also bring you as far into "Allan's World" as is possible for "MOST PEOPLE" to tread without completely dedicating themselves to crossing the line from ordinary to extraordinary.  Call me "pretentious", but if that is what I am... guess what ....... I can live with it.

CHAPTER 1 - HOW TO IDENTIFY "MOST PEOPLE"

Before I reveal my patented method for identifying "most people", you will need to be clear on and share my definition of the word "most". 

Most

adj 1: (superlative of `many' used with count nouns and often preceded by `the') quantifier meaning the greatest in number; "who has the most apples?"; "most people like eggs"; "most fishes have fins" [syn: most(a)] [ant: fewest(a)] 2: the superlative of `much' that can be used with mass nouns and is usually preceded by `the'; a quantifier meaning the greatest in amount or extent or degree; "made the most money he could"; "what attracts the most attention?"; "made the most of a bad deal" [syn: most(a)] [ant: least(a)] adv 1: used to form the superlative; "the king cobra is the most dangerous snake" [syn: to the highest degree] [ant: least] 2: very; "a most welcome relief" 3: (of actions or states) slightly short of or not quite accomplished; `near' is sometimes used informally for `nearly' and `most' is sometimes used informally for `almost'; "the job is (just) about done"; "the baby was almost asleep when the alarm sounded"; "we're almost finished"; "the car all but ran her down"; "he nearly fainted"; "talked for nigh onto 2 hours"; "the recording is well-nigh perfect"; "virtually all the parties signed the contract"; "I was near exhausted by the run"; "most everyone agrees" [syn: about, just about, almost, all but, nearly, near, nigh, virtually, well-nigh]

So then....are we all clear on what I mean when I use the word "most"?  Good.  You are now ready to learn to identify "Most People".

Step 1 - Stop whatever you are doing including reading this web page.

Step 2 - Go to your bathroom, bedroom or hallway ~ wherever you have a mirror.

Step 3 - Take a long hard look at yourself.  Do you recognize yourself?

If yes, then it's done.  You have just learned how to identify "Most People".  Yes, there is a 95% chance that YOU ARE "MOST PEOPLE".  That is to say - you are within the majority.  I am not being facetious.  I am being honest.  Only about 5% of all people have the ability to "think outside the box", to take that step to go from ordinary to extraordinary.  And get ready for it .... here comes the first "Allanism"......

Allanism #1 ~ "This isn't right or wrong.  This isn't good or bad.  This just IS."

Once you accept this fact, you are ready to move forward on a path of self-discovery which will enlighten not only your life in dogs, but also your life in general.  The "pearls of wisdom" for you to learn from are as follows.  There is NOTHING wrong with being extraordinary.  There is NOTHING wrong with starting each day with the full knowledge that no matter you do that day, you will do it to the best of your ability and that ability is far greater that what ANYONE else attempting those tasks has.  Do you think that all of the "GREATS" in world feel or felt average?  Do you think that world leaders in industry, politics or DOGS, start their day thinking that other people can do the things that they do just as well as they can?  Think about it.  How many times in the run of a day do you encounter other people and think, "they must have a horrible life".  Guess what if you think it, then they do.  It's really that simple.  If the little honey working at Tim's or the 40 year old geek working as the night shift manager at McDonald's believes they have the world by the tail, they should think again....wouldn't you.  As a good friend of mine (J. Elford) once pointed out to me.........

Allanism #2 ~ "If she knew ANYTHING, would she be working here?"

Not to mention my own unique way of trying to get people to understand this concept is by saying"

Allanism #3 ~ "Haven't you seen that Milk commercial?"

I hope you know the one I am talking about....it's a commercial highlighting how milk is the best thing you can drink.... the one where they interview people who say how they spent their whole life trying to be second best?  Here's another news flash for those who haven't figured it out ......  the commercial is saying....... "don't settle for being second best or getting second best"... or as I like to OFTEN tell people...

Allanism #4 ~ "Coming in second just means you are just the first loser in line."
 

Chapter 2 - Here Comes The "Love & Fuzzy Feelings" Gang

Chapter 3 - Isn't My Dog Wonderful?

Chapter 4 - If You Mess With The Bull, You Get The Horns!

Chapter 5 - The Few, The Proud, The Extraordinary...Is There Anybody Out There?

Conclusion

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